2 weeks of hell i now feel i may have just turned a corner, the back cloud has lifted a little and can tolerate more people, its not been easy and i have not felt this rough in a while, guess mental health can effect any one and any time.
talking has been a big help not that i felt i wanted to, and at points i felt i trusted no one, i had to trust those who i love and care about the most, and that they had my best interests at heart.
small steps in the daily routine gave me courage each day and having a shower gave me a small purpose, sounds silly really but it took effort each day, over the last couple of days, i have emerged from the bedroom showered and managed to sit in the living, not for the whole day but it's a start, i happy with my small steps and hope i will continue to take more
Thursday, 1 November 2018
Monday, 29 October 2018
rising from the floor
What 'Starting Over' Means When You Live With a Mental health issues
Starting over. Twelve letters, four vowels, two words. Seems simple when you break it down like this, right?
Wrong.
When someone typically says they’re “starting over,” one imagines a blank slate, a sunrise after a long night, sunshine breaking through the clouds on a rainy day. This imagery gives way to the perception starting over always equals a fresh start, a new beginning. However, it’s not always as easy as these flowery descriptions make it seem. It’s a long process. It’s hard, grueling even. And starting over once doesn’t always equate to all your problems being solved.
As i start each day a fresh trying to improve from the day before any tiny step forward , i grab the smallest of positives, hoping that this day will lead to me feeling some what better, thou fighting the negatives from the little voices sitting on my shoulder is shattering, i try to avoid any bad news whether it on the news or social media , which in this day and age is a hard task in its self, friends and family ask how are you today, i guess depending on the minute i am in,
I can't go hour by hour right now it's minute by minute, most of the time i say i ok thanks , only because i don't want people to be put of asking how i am in fear of me spilling my guts, i do think some of my friends would be upset that i not being truthful, others am sure would be saying phew, so today i am looking for anything i can grasp and maybe just washing my pots will give me the kick i need to try a little bit more
Friday, 26 October 2018
The secret life of mental health
pretending is pretty easy really, putting on that fake smile, saying i ok thanks hows you often deflects the conversation away from me, hiding behind my laptop where no one can see me, making excuses that i have to much work today to be able to meet up {not a lie ] sometimes i wonder if people can see it and questions they ask are away of them trying to trick me into saying help me i am so far into this black hole i cannot see any light, i have created this persona of me being the dependable one, the one with the best advice the go to friend when there life's are a mess in truth i am that person and i will always be there for family and friends, but at what cost no one seems to notice i struggle to.
Can i change my thought process ? everyday i wake up thinking today is gonna be my day the light will shine through and this black cloud will disappear from the top of my head, so today i going to say this is day 1, day 1 of trying to help myself.
People don't seem to talk about mental health it's like a secret, i think i am embarrassed to say life is really hard at the minute, i worry i will be judged and avoided and shunned by some, i guess i could say well if people are like that then they are not worth having in my life, buts that's easier said than done, on the odd occasion i have said something, the sad look on there face and the usual response of it will be fine, does not help me, my mental health issues started way back when i was a teenager i cant say my whole life has been effected, it comes in waves it could 3,4 maybe 5 years and things are ok then bang out of the blue the mist descends, the fog is suffocating, different times of the year seem to be worse than others , the last 3 weeks have been the worst i cannot even explain how i got here, but what i do no is that i have to help myself and try and move forward,
My day 1
Today i am setting myself a task getting up seems a pretty easy one, even if it;s just for a hour
wish me luck i no i can do this.
pretending is pretty easy really, putting on that fake smile, saying i ok thanks hows you often deflects the conversation away from me, hiding behind my laptop where no one can see me, making excuses that i have to much work today to be able to meet up {not a lie ] sometimes i wonder if people can see it and questions they ask are away of them trying to trick me into saying help me i am so far into this black hole i cannot see any light, i have created this persona of me being the dependable one, the one with the best advice the go to friend when there life's are a mess in truth i am that person and i will always be there for family and friends, but at what cost no one seems to notice i struggle to.
Can i change my thought process ? everyday i wake up thinking today is gonna be my day the light will shine through and this black cloud will disappear from the top of my head, so today i going to say this is day 1, day 1 of trying to help myself.
People don't seem to talk about mental health it's like a secret, i think i am embarrassed to say life is really hard at the minute, i worry i will be judged and avoided and shunned by some, i guess i could say well if people are like that then they are not worth having in my life, buts that's easier said than done, on the odd occasion i have said something, the sad look on there face and the usual response of it will be fine, does not help me, my mental health issues started way back when i was a teenager i cant say my whole life has been effected, it comes in waves it could 3,4 maybe 5 years and things are ok then bang out of the blue the mist descends, the fog is suffocating, different times of the year seem to be worse than others , the last 3 weeks have been the worst i cannot even explain how i got here, but what i do no is that i have to help myself and try and move forward,
My day 1
Today i am setting myself a task getting up seems a pretty easy one, even if it;s just for a hour
wish me luck i no i can do this.
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